Thursday, November 12, 2009

Hitting the Wall (prose meander)

In every human endeavor that goes on long enough, you hit a metaphorical wall. At that point, you either pull it together, or you fail.

I will not fail for lack of trying.

Looking back over the last two weeks, I realize that I have hit that wall. The first half of the semester, I worked on my more challenging courses first, then played on the internet or read or watched a movie or whatever after completing each assignment. Then I would reward myself with English or Ethics.

For the last two weeks I have been slacking. I'm a week behind in my science, I'm utterly lost in math, I have a psych assignment due tomorrow that's only 1/3 done, I haven't read the ethics text for tomorrow, the only class I'm ahead in is English, and only a few days ahead there.

Realizing this is winning the first half of the battle. I shut off the internet and quit making excuses this afternoon -- I'm only able to type this entry because I am done with tomorrow's math homework. I have a movie here I am dying to see (Leif Jonker's "Darkness") sitting on the shelf, and I am not going to watch it until I am done with psych. Tomorrow I am going to get fully caught up on my science homework. Sunday I can get ahead on next week's load.

I will climb the bloody wall this time. I will not let it climb me. If I fail this time, it will not be for lack of trying.

For many years, there was a voice in my head urging me to fail, and prove to the world I was a failure. That voice has been stilled by time. I have a different voice now, one that tells me to succeed, and prove to myself that I can do any damned thing I set my mind and my will to.

I will do this.

Never again will I put myself at the mercy of an uncaring employer simply because I can't prove I have the qualifications to get a better job. Never again will I strive to climb a corporate ladder, only to have it kicked out from under me for a variety of reasons (some my fault, some the system's fault).

This time I am going to do it right.

And I will not give up when it gets a little tough, or boring, or confusing. I will push through.

Wildecho stuck a note on the whiteboard calendar where I track my assignments. It's a scrap of paper that I wrote a quote on, years ago. She kept it, and posted it right when I needed it. It's Tom Hanks, speaking in "A League Of Their Own":

It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone could do it. It's the hardness that makes it great.

1 comment:

  1. Algebra is breaking my head. Fortunately, we're moving into Geometry next week. That I can handle.

    I should be caught up in Science by Tuesday (which is the next class session). New chapter in psych on personality, should be fun. Ethics is getting into utilitarianism, also fun. English is settling into the final sprint, I'm on schedule with my paper. If I can make it through the next month, I'm good to get my application turned in to State.