Hitting the Wall (prose meander)

In every human endeavor that goes on long enough, you hit a metaphorical wall. At that point, you either pull it together, or you fail.

I will not fail for lack of trying.

Looking back over the last two weeks, I realize that I have hit that wall. The first half of the semester, I worked on my more challenging courses first, then played on the internet or read or watched a movie or whatever after completing each assignment. Then I would reward myself with English or Ethics.

For the last two weeks I have been slacking. I'm a week behind in my science, I'm utterly lost in math, I have a psych assignment due tomorrow that's only 1/3 done, I haven't read the ethics text for tomorrow, the only class I'm ahead in is English, and only a few days ahead there.

Realizing this is winning the first half of the battle. I shut off the internet and quit making excuses this afternoon -- I'm only able to type this entry because I am done with tomorrow's math homework. I have a movie here I am dying to see (Leif Jonker's "Darkness") sitting on the shelf, and I am not going to watch it until I am done with psych. Tomorrow I am going to get fully caught up on my science homework. Sunday I can get ahead on next week's load.

I will climb the bloody wall this time. I will not let it climb me. If I fail this time, it will not be for lack of trying.

For many years, there was a voice in my head urging me to fail, and prove to the world I was a failure. That voice has been stilled by time. I have a different voice now, one that tells me to succeed, and prove to myself that I can do any damned thing I set my mind and my will to.

I will do this.

Never again will I put myself at the mercy of an uncaring employer simply because I can't prove I have the qualifications to get a better job. Never again will I strive to climb a corporate ladder, only to have it kicked out from under me for a variety of reasons (some my fault, some the system's fault).

This time I am going to do it right.

And I will not give up when it gets a little tough, or boring, or confusing. I will push through.

Wildecho stuck a note on the whiteboard calendar where I track my assignments. It's a scrap of paper that I wrote a quote on, years ago. She kept it, and posted it right when I needed it. It's Tom Hanks, speaking in "A League Of Their Own":

It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone could do it. It's the hardness that makes it great.